So, I'm feeling the need to be reflective today. Ten years ago yesterday, my life changed forever. I became a different person with a different outlook on life. And everyday since December 18, 1998 I remember. I remember her smile, her laugh, the way she would punch me on the arm after making a joke. . . all those little things that we hold so dear, I remember - or at least I try. That's the thing with death, we lose a little each day of the little things but the big things we treasure. I remember that on breaks at Fred Meyer she would always, always get macaroni and cheese from the deli and a black cherry soda from the machine. I remember it so vividly that to this day I cannot stand macaroni and I have not had one black cherry soda since the day she died.

She is Dana - my best friend from high school. Dana was a bright spot in everyones day. She held the key to happiness and was joyful to share with anyone who requested it or seemed to need a little cheer. She was a friend to all and enemy to none. I don't think she had a cruel bone in her body, not one. She loved Monty Python and the Smashing Pumpkins. She always had cold hands but a warm heart. She treasured her family and her friends. She had a car that guzzled oil and she always had a case of 10w30 in the trunk. She washed that car with the brushes at the gas station and giggled while she did it. She had a beautiful smile with steely blue eyes. She wrote me notes of friendship and encouragement. She was my friend. And still is.

Ten years ago yesterday I watched as my best friend told me she'd see me the next day to go Christmas shopping, walk out the door. The sound of the door closing still haunts me at night. I can still hear my dad telling me she was gone. I can remember screaming at God in the snow. I remember the numbness driving to the emergency room.

I remember a lot of things but none are more powerful then the feeling that she is still with me. Every day. I see her smile in the clouds. I hear her laughter on the playgrounds. I feel her support when I'm down and her strength when I think I cannot go on. She is my rock. My beacon of light in the darkness. I'm not sure who I would be today without her in my life and I'm pretty sure I don't want to. She is my "precious little pop tart" and that's enough for me today. I know she'll be holding my hand and telling me it will be alright all of my days and for that I am grateful.

I miss her dearly and always will. The hurt never goes away. The grief is always present. But how we proceed is how they'll be remembered. We keep breathing. We wake up everyday and face the world. We draw the blinds and let the sunlight in. We honor those we miss by conquering what they will us to. We cherish the life we have. We laugh a little harder. Cry a little less. Smile a little more. And love with conviction. That's what keeps me going.

I think it's about time for a little macaroni and cheese with a black cherry soda on the side, don't you?

New to this. . .

Well, here I go - I'm now officially a blogger. I tried to envision what I wanted for my blog and thoughts of all those set before me came to the forefront of my mind. Struggling to be more creative then the next, I've decided to put all preconceived ideas aside and just start writing. And boy have I missed it. . .writing. I used to write all the time - papers, journals, stories, anything really. I used to feel pretty confident about it too. Now, I feel exposed. Bare. Raw. I feel stripped of all I once knew and was as a writer and the need to now reinvent my status and ability is begging me to begin. So this is my maiden voyage to find my voice in this the midst of life.